i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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