i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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