I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
