I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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