so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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