I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Congratulations! We have a period
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize