she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
