I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize