I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
