Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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