First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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