hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
