So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It's shark week go big or go home
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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