Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
