Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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