Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
