I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
