My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
