Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm having to shit out rocks
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