I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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