My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
