Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize