So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
