It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
