I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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