Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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