He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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