never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
