Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
