What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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