we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
