She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
