Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
