so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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