my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
