my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
