Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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