My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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