why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
