i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
