paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
