weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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