Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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