life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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