I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
