I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
