toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
