I can tuck mytits in my pants
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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