The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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