also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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