im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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