First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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