Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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