Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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