Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
