I didn't shave. On purpose
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
