Moan for me like Helen Keller
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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