I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
