I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
