Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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