I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
