Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
