First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
