I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
