So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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