i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
