god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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