i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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