It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
